You Fucking Douche Dude....
Your.
Hair.
Is.
Outrageous.
How long have you been tweaking?
Obviously since the early 1990's because I have not seen ANYONE with that fucked up hair style since around 1994.
How often are you on a "trip"?
It must be daily otherwise you would have noticed how bad your hair is.
You've got so much goop on your mop I'm worried you might catch fire when you light up your next crack pipe.
Not only that, it's all short and curly with that one random fucking tiny braid with one random fucking tiny bead. You ARE NOT Coolio.
You are not hardcore enough to go to prison with that hair. I suggest you cut the braid off and lighten up on the product before they throw you in the slammer. Or not, your choice, I bet you'll make some men VERY happy!
Peace out bro,
Hair Police
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Final Notice
Never again call me crying that you're all alone and need me to help you if you aren't willing to accept help. You chose your drama, not me, and you have no right whatsoever to try and make me a party to it. I refuse to sit idly by and watch you take abuse and if you ask me to protect you, I will. But don't ever try to give me grief for doing just that. If you don't want him to verbally abuse you over the phone, then quit calling him. If you don't want him to videotape you drunk, then put down the glass of wine, put down the bottle of pills, pull your head out of your ass and deal with life just like the rest of the world. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you when you keep begging him to treat you like shit and he obliges.
I've done absolutely everything in my power to help you out of your rat bastard situation and you've done nothing but go running back and then try to cry on my shoulder for being there. I gave you a key to my house so you would at least have a place of refuge to once in a while find a little peace, and what did you do in return? YOU BROUGHT HIS FUCKING CUNT INTO MY HOME WITHOUT ME KNOWING OR EVER GIVING YOU PERMISSION. Oh, you didn't think I would ever find that out? Yeah, well it’s amazing what a little Dilaudid does to the verbal filter, isn't it?
You are on your last chance with me. As much as it hurts, if you don't straighten yourself out, I will turn my back on you and you will have absolutely no one in your corner for your next breakdown. The next time your son has to call someone because you're drunk and have fallen and cracked your head open, I'll send paramedics and DCFS. The next time your mother calls me frantic because she knows you've taken too many Xanax and aren't answering your phone, I'll call the police and that’s that. The next time you get attacked in a bar because your (lack of) clothing has given some drunk the wrong idea, I will not be there to help you and listen to you cry. I will not go to your house to check on you. I will not answer any of your calls. And I will not even acknowledge you in public.
You have two choices here. You either straighten up and choose to live or you get on with your death wish alone. Either way, it’s up to you to take responsibility for yourself.
And now a message for the person you married: I have changed all of my locks, so you can just keep the house key you took from her and shove it up your ass. Better yet, have the cunt do that for you. I've heard that’s what the two of you are into anyway. At least there’s one person with balls in the relationship, even if she did have to buy them. I find it interesting how you only have the courage to harass me when you think no one else is around or can hear you. Here’s a newsflash, you stupid piece of shit, don't you ever again think you can get away with threatening me because I. Will. End. You. Did you hear me? I will end you. I will. Not my boyfriend, me. I don't need anyone else to fight my battles, especially against a pathetic loser like you. One more word from you, one more drive past my house, one thing gets damaged on my car, or God forbid you do or say anything to my children, and you will be praying that I only have you put in jail. Remember the last time you were in jail? Yeah, you cried like a bitch the whole time didn't you? Well pay close attention, because you lay one finger on me or mine and I'll make sure you're in jail long enough to BE somebody’s bitch, understand? Believe me when I tell you that I will not drop the charges like she did. I am in no way afraid of you. You, however, should have a healthy fear of me.
But you already knew that, didn't you? That’s why you only make threats over the phone, or yell them across a parking lot, never to my face. You wouldn't even look me in the eye when you passed me on your way to harass and abuse the woman you supposedly care so much about. Yeah, you care SO much that you not only moved your whore into her house, but when she was laid up in the hospital you brought the whore along with you so that she could take a turn at making your WIFE feel like shit too. And you made sure all of this happened in front of the kids. Nice. What an outstanding example of manhood you're showing your son.
And speaking of your son, would you like to explain why it is that your girlfriend has new clothes, her daughter has a new bedroom set, YET YOUR SON HAS BEEN WALKING AROUND WITHOUT GLASSES FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!! Because we all know he needs just one more challenge, right? I mean, really, crossed eyes are nothing that the little bastards he has to go to school with will pick on him for. Are you just waiting for him to explode and start shooting up the school or what? You have to know that’s where he’s headed. His emotional problems have only escalated, especially since the stripper-in-training daughter of your trash shadows his every move. You gave her his room, he has to ride the bus with her, she’s in his class at school, and she’s taken over his best friend. Don't even get me started on how she hangs on him whenever they're together. He has no place to go and get away from the mess you've made of his life. He is an emotional wreck and thanks to your brilliant parenting skills and life choices he will most likely never be able to make it on his own. In fact he'll be lucky to survive adolescence. You must be really proud of yourself.
Do us all a favor and swallow your gun. I'll be happy to drag your carcass to the curb on trash day.
With Greatest Sincerity,
Your Worst Nightmare
I've done absolutely everything in my power to help you out of your rat bastard situation and you've done nothing but go running back and then try to cry on my shoulder for being there. I gave you a key to my house so you would at least have a place of refuge to once in a while find a little peace, and what did you do in return? YOU BROUGHT HIS FUCKING CUNT INTO MY HOME WITHOUT ME KNOWING OR EVER GIVING YOU PERMISSION. Oh, you didn't think I would ever find that out? Yeah, well it’s amazing what a little Dilaudid does to the verbal filter, isn't it?
You are on your last chance with me. As much as it hurts, if you don't straighten yourself out, I will turn my back on you and you will have absolutely no one in your corner for your next breakdown. The next time your son has to call someone because you're drunk and have fallen and cracked your head open, I'll send paramedics and DCFS. The next time your mother calls me frantic because she knows you've taken too many Xanax and aren't answering your phone, I'll call the police and that’s that. The next time you get attacked in a bar because your (lack of) clothing has given some drunk the wrong idea, I will not be there to help you and listen to you cry. I will not go to your house to check on you. I will not answer any of your calls. And I will not even acknowledge you in public.
You have two choices here. You either straighten up and choose to live or you get on with your death wish alone. Either way, it’s up to you to take responsibility for yourself.
And now a message for the person you married: I have changed all of my locks, so you can just keep the house key you took from her and shove it up your ass. Better yet, have the cunt do that for you. I've heard that’s what the two of you are into anyway. At least there’s one person with balls in the relationship, even if she did have to buy them. I find it interesting how you only have the courage to harass me when you think no one else is around or can hear you. Here’s a newsflash, you stupid piece of shit, don't you ever again think you can get away with threatening me because I. Will. End. You. Did you hear me? I will end you. I will. Not my boyfriend, me. I don't need anyone else to fight my battles, especially against a pathetic loser like you. One more word from you, one more drive past my house, one thing gets damaged on my car, or God forbid you do or say anything to my children, and you will be praying that I only have you put in jail. Remember the last time you were in jail? Yeah, you cried like a bitch the whole time didn't you? Well pay close attention, because you lay one finger on me or mine and I'll make sure you're in jail long enough to BE somebody’s bitch, understand? Believe me when I tell you that I will not drop the charges like she did. I am in no way afraid of you. You, however, should have a healthy fear of me.
But you already knew that, didn't you? That’s why you only make threats over the phone, or yell them across a parking lot, never to my face. You wouldn't even look me in the eye when you passed me on your way to harass and abuse the woman you supposedly care so much about. Yeah, you care SO much that you not only moved your whore into her house, but when she was laid up in the hospital you brought the whore along with you so that she could take a turn at making your WIFE feel like shit too. And you made sure all of this happened in front of the kids. Nice. What an outstanding example of manhood you're showing your son.
And speaking of your son, would you like to explain why it is that your girlfriend has new clothes, her daughter has a new bedroom set, YET YOUR SON HAS BEEN WALKING AROUND WITHOUT GLASSES FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!! Because we all know he needs just one more challenge, right? I mean, really, crossed eyes are nothing that the little bastards he has to go to school with will pick on him for. Are you just waiting for him to explode and start shooting up the school or what? You have to know that’s where he’s headed. His emotional problems have only escalated, especially since the stripper-in-training daughter of your trash shadows his every move. You gave her his room, he has to ride the bus with her, she’s in his class at school, and she’s taken over his best friend. Don't even get me started on how she hangs on him whenever they're together. He has no place to go and get away from the mess you've made of his life. He is an emotional wreck and thanks to your brilliant parenting skills and life choices he will most likely never be able to make it on his own. In fact he'll be lucky to survive adolescence. You must be really proud of yourself.
Do us all a favor and swallow your gun. I'll be happy to drag your carcass to the curb on trash day.
With Greatest Sincerity,
Your Worst Nightmare
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Big Fucking Deal
Dear Myspace Bulletin Poster:
First of all, those questionnaires are totally retarded an no one fucking cares what color your eyes are, what your favorite food is, or the last time you told someone you loved them. Another thing that no one cares for? Your passive-aggressive bullshit.
So when you respond to the question "Do any of your friends have children?"
With a smug "Yup. And the ones that don't sure do seem to have alot of worthless advice."
And then post this tripe in a semi-public forum in which many of your childfree "friends" may read it (although if they are your friends, why would you talk shit about them in a broadcast bulletin?), what are your expectations?
So your cunt works. BIG FUCKING DEAL.
Just because you whelped a puppy or two or six doesn't make you smart. In fact, it might make you kind of stupid, given you just spewed your self-satisfied, self-important bullshit all over the interwebs. Seriously, biological processes are no big fucking deal. I took a shit the size of a baby the other day, and I was mighty proud of it. But it didn't make me smarter. Made my pants fit better, but had no effect on my IQ. I'm thinking that spawning is kind of similar. You pop out a cunt loaf, your pants fit better, but you are no fucking smarter.
So don't you paint me with your broad brush, you ignorant slut.
I hope you like hanging around with other "functioning cunts" since you just alienated every person you know without a child. We'll just keep our advice, opinions, babysitting services, and party invitations to ourselves, mkay?
Sincerely,
Someone who was smarter than you to begin with, and remains smarter in spite of the fact that you popped out a brat.
First of all, those questionnaires are totally retarded an no one fucking cares what color your eyes are, what your favorite food is, or the last time you told someone you loved them. Another thing that no one cares for? Your passive-aggressive bullshit.
So when you respond to the question "Do any of your friends have children?"
With a smug "Yup. And the ones that don't sure do seem to have alot of worthless advice."
And then post this tripe in a semi-public forum in which many of your childfree "friends" may read it (although if they are your friends, why would you talk shit about them in a broadcast bulletin?), what are your expectations?
So your cunt works. BIG FUCKING DEAL.
Just because you whelped a puppy or two or six doesn't make you smart. In fact, it might make you kind of stupid, given you just spewed your self-satisfied, self-important bullshit all over the interwebs. Seriously, biological processes are no big fucking deal. I took a shit the size of a baby the other day, and I was mighty proud of it. But it didn't make me smarter. Made my pants fit better, but had no effect on my IQ. I'm thinking that spawning is kind of similar. You pop out a cunt loaf, your pants fit better, but you are no fucking smarter.
So don't you paint me with your broad brush, you ignorant slut.
I hope you like hanging around with other "functioning cunts" since you just alienated every person you know without a child. We'll just keep our advice, opinions, babysitting services, and party invitations to ourselves, mkay?
Sincerely,
Someone who was smarter than you to begin with, and remains smarter in spite of the fact that you popped out a brat.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
It's Official. I'm Bitter.
Apparently rude is the new black. At what point did it become acceptable to totally disregard those sharing air space? At what point did it become acceptable to pretend you don't notice your kid is misbehaving BADLY?
While enjoying a board game with my significant other's family I was assualted no less than 10 times by a pre-schooler while Mommy ignored the spaztastic display. She trampled. She stomped. She climbed over adults to get to mom. She head-butted a guest and cackled as she ran away. She bounced on the furniture. She stole cards from the game. She nearly squeezed the life out of her little sister. What did mom do? NOTHING. I was flabbergasted! Since I was at his family's I knew I was in tricky territory. I started to nicely (through gritted teeth) correct her hoping mom would catch on. After I pointed out to the little darling that if she continued to bounce on the couch she was at risk of face-planting on the marble coffee table I think my beau started to sense my annoyance and suggested we call it an evening.
Seriously, what is the matter with people?
While enjoying a board game with my significant other's family I was assualted no less than 10 times by a pre-schooler while Mommy ignored the spaztastic display. She trampled. She stomped. She climbed over adults to get to mom. She head-butted a guest and cackled as she ran away. She bounced on the furniture. She stole cards from the game. She nearly squeezed the life out of her little sister. What did mom do? NOTHING. I was flabbergasted! Since I was at his family's I knew I was in tricky territory. I started to nicely (through gritted teeth) correct her hoping mom would catch on. After I pointed out to the little darling that if she continued to bounce on the couch she was at risk of face-planting on the marble coffee table I think my beau started to sense my annoyance and suggested we call it an evening.
Seriously, what is the matter with people?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Good Lord, you are a total douche.
Listen up homeboy. You're a grown-ass man. You are not Lance Armstrong. You have no business wearing spandex. For any reason. You have no business riding a bike in the middle of the day in said spandex. And by the way, that $50 BMX bike you're riding, which you probably stole from your kid or a neighbor, does not a biking enthusiast make. You will never get anywhere near the Tour De France, homie, but you're Number 1 on the Tour De Douche. Do the world a favor, get a job. Get a life. And for the love of Pete, stop adjusting your tiny package while wearing those goddamned biking shorts. No one needs to see that shit.
Sincerely,
The Bitch Who Nearly Ran Your Ass Down
Sincerely,
The Bitch Who Nearly Ran Your Ass Down
Monday, November 19, 2007
Shut your mouth you Snatchy Snatch
I was outside on a break today and this stupid woman in one of those stupid motorized carts rolls by me. She's easily as big as the entire back seat of a bus and I'm sure she's using the cart because she cant walk her ass through the store.
So there I am, trying not to stare, in fact I turned my back to her completely so that I could enjoy the rest of my cigarette AND THEN I heard her voice.....
Me: *Cough*
Snatchy Snatch : Sounds like you could use another smoke
Me: Looks like you could use another donut
Usually I only say those things in my head, but something came loose this time and it just shot out of my mouth. I'm really glad I was all bundled up since I do have to work here. There is no way she'd recognize me.
So there I am, trying not to stare, in fact I turned my back to her completely so that I could enjoy the rest of my cigarette AND THEN I heard her voice.....
Me: *Cough*
Snatchy Snatch : Sounds like you could use another smoke
Me: Looks like you could use another donut
Usually I only say those things in my head, but something came loose this time and it just shot out of my mouth. I'm really glad I was all bundled up since I do have to work here. There is no way she'd recognize me.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hopeless Effing Snowflake
Dear Hopeless Effing Snowflake~
You really balled this one up, didn't you? Well I hope that your cunt beast of a mother makes some good choices for you and will be there to take care of you until your death. Oh WAIT! She's going to die before you! Wow! Then what the fuck are you going to do? Maybe rub those brain cells together and make a decision for yourself? That would have been a good idea 6 fucking months ago. But NO. You had to let her make all your choices for you and now you are ruining lives. Like your husbands, for example. Remember him? The one who paid for the roof over your head and everything else you wanted or needed over the past 5 years while you stayed home? He's the one you ignored while watching TV and talking with your friends on the phone. He's the one who wanted a little of your time and attention and to be able to feed his own son some of the fucking food HE paid for. He's the one who called me for hours on end needing someone to TALK to him so he could remember what human kindness was like. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You've had friends who have been abused and neglected and abandoned! Have you learned NOTHING??
I'll cut right to the chase, you need to pull your head out of your fucking ass and stop listening to your mother and start thinking for yourself. You and her have done some serious damage that may never be reparable, but you had better fucking start trying to fix it right now, sister.
You don't even KNOW how good you had it. I hope it was worth it.
Sincerely,
The Anti Snowflake
You really balled this one up, didn't you? Well I hope that your cunt beast of a mother makes some good choices for you and will be there to take care of you until your death. Oh WAIT! She's going to die before you! Wow! Then what the fuck are you going to do? Maybe rub those brain cells together and make a decision for yourself? That would have been a good idea 6 fucking months ago. But NO. You had to let her make all your choices for you and now you are ruining lives. Like your husbands, for example. Remember him? The one who paid for the roof over your head and everything else you wanted or needed over the past 5 years while you stayed home? He's the one you ignored while watching TV and talking with your friends on the phone. He's the one who wanted a little of your time and attention and to be able to feed his own son some of the fucking food HE paid for. He's the one who called me for hours on end needing someone to TALK to him so he could remember what human kindness was like. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You've had friends who have been abused and neglected and abandoned! Have you learned NOTHING??
I'll cut right to the chase, you need to pull your head out of your fucking ass and stop listening to your mother and start thinking for yourself. You and her have done some serious damage that may never be reparable, but you had better fucking start trying to fix it right now, sister.
You don't even KNOW how good you had it. I hope it was worth it.
Sincerely,
The Anti Snowflake
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