Dear Everyone Who Has Had an Email Address, Ever:
Please stop forwarding me stupid shit.
Seriously.
I don't need to see another picture of a pumpkin throwing up.
I don't care why it sucks to be an egg.
I don't need the kind of stress in my life that it will take to forward your piece of trash to 12 people so I don't suffer unending bad luck.
I already know the differences between men and women.
I don't need your happy list of all the things that a "best friend" will do for you. You're not my best friend. A best friend will hold your hair while you vomit. Will you hold my hair? No? Then take your stupid email forward and shove it up your ass.
I don't want to read a cat's journal. I know cats are assholes. I have two of them.
I don't need to know about some car seat recall, I don't have kids.
I don't want a free laptop.
No, Bill Gates will not send you money if I forward this email.
I don't care why I shouldn't buy Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I know I shouldn't buy it. It makes my ass fat. That is enough reason not to. Of course, it is creamy and delicious, so I buy it anyway.
I don't care what you think about (insert ethnic minority here) and how they are taking all the jobs from the Americans. I know how you were hoping to get that job selling oranges out of a shopping cart at the intersection of Page and Union. Fucking immigrants! Bastards! Yeah.
I don't want to see pictures of naked, tattooed old ladies. I am a tattooed old lady. I can see that shit any time I want to.
I don't want to read another "ooooh, funny story for you!"
The next time I see the subject line "You'll like THIS one!" I'm deleting it without opening it.
Oh, and Asshole with Email, if you do have to forward me all this crap, at least have the decency to BCC me. Because when you don't, then every OTHER asshole on your distribution list can see my email. And they can "reply all" and send me more shit that I don't want. OR, they will send it to everyone on THEIR distribution list, and then my email is pasted on the top of that, and if I end up with a stalker because you don't know what the "BCC" is, I swear I will beat you until you are dead.
Thank you for listening.
Now forward this to everyone on your mailing list or you will have bad luck for the rest of the year!
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4 comments:
Oh shit, please delete the last 25 emails I just sent you.
Oh my god!! That is a thing of beauty! I'm seriously considering sending a copy of it to a relative who keeps forwarding me pointless shit...seriously!
I wonder if I forwarded this to Michael's mom, she'd get the point. Hmmm...
Although I do worry about them there cotton-pickin' Mexicans snapping up all the good jobs. Like low-paid farm labor and working in the fish plants. You KNOW I've been applying for those jobs for YEARS now!
Oh, and they're all getting welfare checks and food stamps even though they're illegals. Uh huh.
DOUCHEBAG!
You know which one is my favorite? The money angel - 'cuz you know God works like that. Apparently, God is a genie now. If you just ask nice and forward to 10 friends, he'll send you an angel with a bag of cash. Uh...yeah, right. Friggin' email terrorists!
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