Hey, Dumbshit

What in the hell were you thinking? You not only posted your supposed best friend's name and location on a public board, but now you've taken the liberty to also post the names of her children and provide a link to recent picture.

Did you bother to ask her first? Did you let her know that you have so little value for her children's privacy and safety that you not only gave out their names and hometown, but also put pictures of them on the Internet? Did you let her know that, thanks to you, at least 2000 strangers have access to pictures of her children and can pass them around at will? Gee, maybe the kids will get lucky and someone will photoshop some sort of shitty saying on the pic and let it go viral. Woohoo, won't that just be a barrel of laughs for the little ones.

The entire world making fun of them, now who wouldn't want that?

You're such a good "Aunt".

To the ugliest crayon of them all

Your racism is showing again, you might want to tuck that back in. Keeping it cleverly disguised as just your annoying personality keeps the rest of us merely sickened by your presence rather than violently opposed to you drawing breath. So really, it's in your own best interest to keep the white sheets and antiquated opinions your dirty little secret. No one else is interested.

kthxbai

You Stupid Hag

How dare you. That young man adores you. He spent the entire weekend overjoyed at finally being able to spend time with you. Every chance he got, he sat next to you, talked to you, smiled at you, told you how much he loves you and how happy he was to see you again. And how did you repay him? You called him fat and made fun of him. Not that his brother fared any better, because according to you he's too thin and should also be mocked.

I have no idea what makes you think you are any sort of nutritional expert but I have news for you, you. are. clueless. You have spent your entire life trying to kill yourself by eating nothing but deep fried food and right now I'm sorry you didn't succeed. You have eaten and smoked your way into having a heart attack and chronic health problems, yet you have the nerve to insult a young man for wanting a salad with his meal. You should truly be ashamed of yourself. I know I certainly am.

If you ever again try to make either of my children feel bad about themselves I will not quietly correct you in order to refrain from making a scene in public the way I did today. No, if you are ever fortunate enough to even see those boys again and you make the choice to insult either one of them I will stand up and slap the wig off your fat little Cajun head, and it doesn't matter to me if I have to go through your husband to do it.

Firmly,
The Mother of your Grandchildren

Calling you a douche is an insult to douches everywhere

Well, you finally got your way. You've been gunning for me for a long time, in ways subtle and overt, and at long last you're triumphant.

You fucked up. You fuck up a lot, but are usually able to save your ass, or someone else saves it for you. This time you blamed it on me, and since nothing was in writing it came down to your word against mine.

You sat there and lied to my face (although it's possible that you actually believe your lies, which perhaps excuses you) and watched me get fired from my job that I've had for almost five years.

Then you got up, went into your office, and continued your self-absorbed, odd task of taking pictures of yourself every day. Yes, the Daily Photo is an important part of your routine, using your company laptop, often on company time. Who does that?

This is who:


I don't think your collection of crosses will save you in the long run.

More skills required

I realize there are issues. Growing pains, I get it. Change is hard and it can be difficult to come through unscathed. However, having arrived at your position in life I would have hoped that you would have acquired better ways of talking with people. Its about ownership of the truth, and facing realities and learning how to express those things in a mature manner that gets things accomplished.
You were blunt, hurtful and counter productive. You got your point across, to be sure, but those in your way were left completely deflated. Inadequate skill set? Inability to find work in the industry? With two sentences and you managed to make 2 years of someones life seem completely fruitless. You didn't even bother to listen and you certainly didn't look at her work. She is very talented and thank God she is strong enough in herself to continue of her path. I just hope that all of the others are also strong enough to continue on despite your poorly worded statements.
I'm also wondering how pleased your higher-ups would be to hear that you plainly stated that all the money and time we spent is a complete waste and that the admissions department is just there to openly lie to people to get them to blow their money on a useless program. Why don't you just go back to your home office and take a long hard look at your interpersonal communication skills.
Have a safe flight back to Texas and please, don't hurry back now, y'hear?

At a loss.

Right now I am having a really hard time figuring out who is pissing me off more. The Loser or you for thinking the shit storm going on in your life right now is somehow your fault. When the fuck did you become this freakin codependent enabler? You are not at all the person I have known for the past 8 years.
I realize you are struggling right now, but you have to make a good, healthy choice here. Accommodating your baby daddy is really not getting you anywhere. He is a Straight. Up. Loser. and his presence in your life is not at all positive. Check the facts: He is 37 years old, has no car, lives on his mothers couch and has no traceable income to help get you guys a place to live except for the bar.
The bar... where he works 3 night a week so he can justify his speed use and I'm betting that's where he met one, if not all, of the three girls he was cheating on you with while you were pregnant.
And I'm sure it was just those pesky drugs that caused him to throw you down on you bed by the neck and hold a knife to your throat. Remember that? I know you try very hard not to. That morning I went with you to the courthouse and help you fill out the paperwork to get the restraining order and full custody order for your daughter? Yeah, that day, when you had those horrible bruises all over your neck and chest. The man you are trying SO hard to accommodate GAVE YOU THOSE when you caught HIM CHEATING. Again, NONE of that was your fault and you did NOTHING to deserve that.
I know you don't want to do it alone right now, I understand. but he is not worth being essentially homeless and sleeping on the floor with your 6 month old. Please! GO HOME! Get back on your feet with your family for 6 months or a year. I know you don't think the schools there are adequate but you have 5+ years to worry about that.
I am at a complete loss as to what to say to you right now. I can't make you help yourself. I wish I could. I feel helpless and I know you are feeling that too.
All I ask is that you open your eyes to the WHOLE situation and for fucks sake, make a good choice.

Dear Clueless Truck Lines LLC

I would like to thank you for your recent interest in retaining the services of my repair company, however I do not at this time feel that we can be of any help to you. Your request to "fax over a copy of our check" at such time as repairs have been completed has been deemed unacceptable by our Accounting Department. Actually that's not entirely true. Once we finished laughing uproariously, we came to the collective decision that we would, in fact, consider your request on the condition that you agree to accept a faxed picture of a truck being repaired as us having performed an actual service call for your company.

Feel free to mull over this proposition and get back to me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Bitch with a Clue, CFO
No Fucking Way Inc.

Dear Ms. Weak Sauce

It's come to my attention that you have, without permission, copied my friend's very personal and candid blog, and reposted it on your own MySpace blog.

True, you've acknowledged that someone else wrote it. But why on EARTH would you do this without receiving explicit permission first?

Do you not have the time to write something reflecting your own thoughts? I know you have the ability, I used to enjoy your blogs.

You're articulate, you have a brain. Use it! Stop this "poor stupid me, stuck as a housewife" bullshit and step up. Jesus Christ on a bicycle.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Wants to Rip Your Heart Out and Feed it To You

Life at What Cost?

You there, marching up and down the sidewalk sporting photos of fetuses in various stages, both intact and mutilated. Yeah, I'm talking to you. I have a few questions:

• Why must you force your beliefs on me? I'm not trying to force you to have an abortion, nor am I even insisting you approve of abortion. I'm telling you that it's my damned uterus, and my life that will be impacted if by chance birth control fails me.

• Where in the Bible does it state that life begins at conception? Quote chapter and verse, please.

• If I were to get pregnant, and be stricken with health complications and have to quit my job, would you support me? Would you pay for daycare after the child is born?

• And here's the most important question: exactly how many children have you adopted? It better be a large number, or you're a hypocritical douchebag asshole.

BACK OFF BITCH

Listen dumb ass, if you don't back off and take a chill pill, I'm going to give you the tongue lashing of a life time. When I'm done, I'm going to kick your ass in a public display of rage. I'll sell tickets. I will make a fortune. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE likes you. You're bitter, bizarre and clearly, loyalty is a foreign concept. Guess what? They DO like me. Nothing would give my allies more pleasure than watching me beat the ever-loving crap out of you.

BACK OFF BITCH.

Stop peeping around my cube wall. Stop hovering over my assistant. Stop throwing me under the bus everytime someone lodges a complaint about our department. Get a pair. Has it ocurred to you that perhaps they are being unreasonable or that perhaps they are wrong? When the company nut files a complaint, let's take a moment to evaluate. She's a nut. She's got a reputation for being unstable and disorganized. So, why then, would you automatically assume she's right about anything? Oh yeah, I forgot, you don't know shit either. That's why.

BACK OFF BITCH.

You do realize that every single one of your employees is looking for another job. ALL OF THEM. They all loathe and despise you. Why, you ask? Oh, I dunno, perhaps because you're a total bitch without an ounce of care or compassion for your employees. It could be that. Or perhaps it's that you rarely make eye contact and when you do, you can't sustain it. It's creepy. Know what that tells me? Mentally unstable. Not to be trusted. Your actions have proven my theory time and again.

Someday soon, I'll be happily employed by an actual human being. Me and my boatload of experience are packing our bags. Good luck with all the newbies. Where will this leave you? Fucked. Wanna know why? Because you're an incompetent ass. You don't know how to do jack shit! Do you have any idea what I do or how I do it? No worries, you'll find out soon. Oh, and don't waste your time looking for written instructions either. The files of documentation that outline my duties and the accompanying instructions that could have saved your sorry ass, will be long gone.

Smooches!
One Seriously Pissed Off Employee

An Open Letter to Thorny a.k.a. Stupid, Stupid, Bitch.

Every fiber of my being detests you. You are a stupid, evil, hideous beast of a "woman". You might be named for a flower, but you're nothing but thorns.

Let me count the various ways in which you suck:
#1 You love NASCAR.
#2 You love NASCAR.
#3 You have the manners of a junk yard dog. Rabies-infested hounds have better manners.
#4 You are hideous, with two teaspoons of frizzy, stringy, hair.
#5 Your personality is non-existent.
#6 You are a petty bitch who never takes responsibility for your mistakes. Instead you'd prefer to point fingers and lay blame. LAME!
#7 You own a NASCAR jacket. With patches. GO RUDY! For real. Was that EVER "in"?
#8 You sport tapered velour stretch pants and wear sandals with socks. Together.
#9 You are a stupid, stupid, know-it-all bitch.
#10 You are not fooling anyone, you dumb lush. You might not bring the Milwaukee's Best cans to work, but I can still smell yesterday's brew on you.
#11 You cackle and wheeze like a hyena.
#12 Your ass kissing with the bosses...totally transparent.
#13 You want a piece of me? Next time get off your flat, nasty ass and come say it to my face.

Last thing. Has anyone ever told you that you look just like the evil witch from the Wizard of Oz? I mean, damn! You've got the mole on the tip of your nose and everything. All we need now is a little green paint and perfecto!

Perhaps a house will fall on you too.

It makes me kinda warm and fuzzy just thinking about it!

Products We Wish We Had

Number one on the list:



This would come in handy as well:



Must go check Amazon now to see if this stuff is in stock...

Dear New Friend

I would like to take this moment to thank you. I awoke this fine morning thinking I would have little to amuse me. Then I checked my blog.

Your gross lack of blog etiquette, social skills and anger management have given me at least a few days off from writing another blog. Perhaps even a full week. You cannot imagine the enjoyment I have felt while reading your comments. In particular the one in which you tried to insult, unsuccessfully I might add, the other commenters on what you perceived was their lack of intelligence and education. That post was especially humorous after having read your first comment. In case you don't remember, it's one in which you wrote "it costed him" instead of "it cost him", "presumcious" instead of "presumptuous", and "definately" instead of "definitely." I'm sure my other faithful readers are still chuckling over your blatant faux pas, as am I.

At first I was concerned that maybe you had never heard of Spell Check or Grammar Check, then I realized the beauty of your comments. Did you take my HSYAD blog at face value? Consider it as just a place for the writer to blow off steam? No, not you! Without a moment's hesitation you took your limited learning capacity and ran with it. Leaving in your wake a stream of almost unintelligible thoughts, rants and rage. In short, you have stepped up to the plate and unashamedly owned your douche-ness.

You have unselfishly given of yourself, and again, I thank you. Your actions have forever earned you a special place in my little black heart.

Big Sloppy Kisses,

Your New BFF

Get back here with my change, you stupid whore

Dear Pub Waitress:

When I leave three twenty dollar bills sitting on top of a $41.00 check, I have a hint for you: I am expecting change.

As exalted an opinion that you have of your service skills, there is no fucking way I am tipping you 46% for bringing me a few beers and an appetizer.

Now, on a normal day, I would tip you 20%. I know, lots of people tip less than that. But I'm a nice person. I also figure that 20% on the post-tax ammount. So see, you would have gotten a pretty good tip from me.

But, you had to get greedy, didn't you? You thought I would just forget about that $19.00. But you were wrong. And for every step I had to take stalking around the bar to find you so I could get my fucking money, since after a half an hour waiting for you it became clear that you had no intention of bringing me my change, your tip decreased by $1.00.

Which means by the time I tracked you down hanging out in the kitchen hiding from me, you got a whopping $2.00 tip.

Stupid whore.

You're lucky you got to deal directly with me. I could have had a discussion with your manager about theft.

Sincerely,

The Bitch

White Trash Parents at the Supermarket

Hey you! Yes, you, with the strealish hair and the mutant children. Would it be TOO much trouble for you to keep your crotch fruit organized somewhere near your junk-food-laden shopping cart? I realize that they are extremely annoying and unpleasant to be around, but here's a news flash: After working all day -- later than usual, thank you -- I do NOT want to have to deal with your passel of morons lying about in front of my shopping cart. Nor do I want to hear them screaming after I've given up on that part of the store and gone around the corner.

One more question: why the fuck is it necessary to have four of them? Obviously you couldn't train a dog. Why produce a bunch of kids that you obviously don't have any control over? And the local Planned Parenthood branch is right across the street.

Your Signature Sucks

No, I'm not talking about your handwriting. I'm talking about your stupid ass signature that is attached to each and every piece of email you send out, INCLUDING all replies and forwards, which is just Over The Top.

To make matters worse, you're a member of a message board which you access via email, so this same retarded signature is included. Every. Time. You. Post.

Oh, and it's not just a brief sig, either. It's a fucking paragraph from a book, evidently chosen to impress everyone with how intellectual you are. Well, guess what? It's just making you look stupider than you already are known to be, so knock it off already!

kthxbye,
Someone Who Has Her Own Books