You've gotta be kidding me

You Fucking Douche Dude....

Your.

Hair.

Is.

Outrageous.

How long have you been tweaking?

Obviously since the early 1990's because I have not seen ANYONE with that fucked up hair style since around 1994.

How often are you on a "trip"?

It must be daily otherwise you would have noticed how bad your hair is.

You've got so much goop on your mop I'm worried you might catch fire when you light up your next crack pipe.

Not only that, it's all short and curly with that one random fucking tiny braid with one random fucking tiny bead. You ARE NOT Coolio.

You are not hardcore enough to go to prison with that hair. I suggest you cut the braid off and lighten up on the product before they throw you in the slammer. Or not, your choice, I bet you'll make some men VERY happy!

Peace out bro,
Hair Police

Final Notice

Never again call me crying that you're all alone and need me to help you if you aren't willing to accept help. You chose your drama, not me, and you have no right whatsoever to try and make me a party to it. I refuse to sit idly by and watch you take abuse and if you ask me to protect you, I will. But don't ever try to give me grief for doing just that. If you don't want him to verbally abuse you over the phone, then quit calling him. If you don't want him to videotape you drunk, then put down the glass of wine, put down the bottle of pills, pull your head out of your ass and deal with life just like the rest of the world. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you when you keep begging him to treat you like shit and he obliges.

I've done absolutely everything in my power to help you out of your rat bastard situation and you've done nothing but go running back and then try to cry on my shoulder for being there. I gave you a key to my house so you would at least have a place of refuge to once in a while find a little peace, and what did you do in return? YOU BROUGHT HIS FUCKING CUNT INTO MY HOME WITHOUT ME KNOWING OR EVER GIVING YOU PERMISSION. Oh, you didn't think I would ever find that out? Yeah, well it’s amazing what a little Dilaudid does to the verbal filter, isn't it?

You are on your last chance with me. As much as it hurts, if you don't straighten yourself out, I will turn my back on you and you will have absolutely no one in your corner for your next breakdown. The next time your son has to call someone because you're drunk and have fallen and cracked your head open, I'll send paramedics and DCFS. The next time your mother calls me frantic because she knows you've taken too many Xanax and aren't answering your phone, I'll call the police and that’s that. The next time you get attacked in a bar because your (lack of) clothing has given some drunk the wrong idea, I will not be there to help you and listen to you cry. I will not go to your house to check on you. I will not answer any of your calls. And I will not even acknowledge you in public.

You have two choices here. You either straighten up and choose to live or you get on with your death wish alone. Either way, it’s up to you to take responsibility for yourself.

And now a message for the person you married: I have changed all of my locks, so you can just keep the house key you took from her and shove it up your ass. Better yet, have the cunt do that for you. I've heard that’s what the two of you are into anyway. At least there’s one person with balls in the relationship, even if she did have to buy them. I find it interesting how you only have the courage to harass me when you think no one else is around or can hear you. Here’s a newsflash, you stupid piece of shit, don't you ever again think you can get away with threatening me because I. Will. End. You. Did you hear me? I will end you. I will. Not my boyfriend, me. I don't need anyone else to fight my battles, especially against a pathetic loser like you. One more word from you, one more drive past my house, one thing gets damaged on my car, or God forbid you do or say anything to my children, and you will be praying that I only have you put in jail. Remember the last time you were in jail? Yeah, you cried like a bitch the whole time didn't you? Well pay close attention, because you lay one finger on me or mine and I'll make sure you're in jail long enough to BE somebody’s bitch, understand? Believe me when I tell you that I will not drop the charges like she did. I am in no way afraid of you. You, however, should have a healthy fear of me.

But you already knew that, didn't you? That’s why you only make threats over the phone, or yell them across a parking lot, never to my face. You wouldn't even look me in the eye when you passed me on your way to harass and abuse the woman you supposedly care so much about. Yeah, you care SO much that you not only moved your whore into her house, but when she was laid up in the hospital you brought the whore along with you so that she could take a turn at making your WIFE feel like shit too. And you made sure all of this happened in front of the kids. Nice. What an outstanding example of manhood you're showing your son.

And speaking of your son, would you like to explain why it is that your girlfriend has new clothes, her daughter has a new bedroom set, YET YOUR SON HAS BEEN WALKING AROUND WITHOUT GLASSES FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS!!!! Because we all know he needs just one more challenge, right? I mean, really, crossed eyes are nothing that the little bastards he has to go to school with will pick on him for. Are you just waiting for him to explode and start shooting up the school or what? You have to know that’s where he’s headed. His emotional problems have only escalated, especially since the stripper-in-training daughter of your trash shadows his every move. You gave her his room, he has to ride the bus with her, she’s in his class at school, and she’s taken over his best friend. Don't even get me started on how she hangs on him whenever they're together. He has no place to go and get away from the mess you've made of his life. He is an emotional wreck and thanks to your brilliant parenting skills and life choices he will most likely never be able to make it on his own. In fact he'll be lucky to survive adolescence. You must be really proud of yourself.

Do us all a favor and swallow your gun. I'll be happy to drag your carcass to the curb on trash day.

With Greatest Sincerity,
Your Worst Nightmare

Big Fucking Deal

Dear Myspace Bulletin Poster:

First of all, those questionnaires are totally retarded an no one fucking cares what color your eyes are, what your favorite food is, or the last time you told someone you loved them. Another thing that no one cares for? Your passive-aggressive bullshit.

So when you respond to the question "Do any of your friends have children?"

With a smug "Yup. And the ones that don't sure do seem to have alot of worthless advice."

And then post this tripe in a semi-public forum in which many of your childfree "friends" may read it (although if they are your friends, why would you talk shit about them in a broadcast bulletin?), what are your expectations?

So your cunt works. BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Just because you whelped a puppy or two or six doesn't make you smart. In fact, it might make you kind of stupid, given you just spewed your self-satisfied, self-important bullshit all over the interwebs. Seriously, biological processes are no big fucking deal. I took a shit the size of a baby the other day, and I was mighty proud of it. But it didn't make me smarter. Made my pants fit better, but had no effect on my IQ. I'm thinking that spawning is kind of similar. You pop out a cunt loaf, your pants fit better, but you are no fucking smarter.

So don't you paint me with your broad brush, you ignorant slut.

I hope you like hanging around with other "functioning cunts" since you just alienated every person you know without a child. We'll just keep our advice, opinions, babysitting services, and party invitations to ourselves, mkay?

Sincerely,

Someone who was smarter than you to begin with, and remains smarter in spite of the fact that you popped out a brat.

It's Official. I'm Bitter.

Apparently rude is the new black. At what point did it become acceptable to totally disregard those sharing air space? At what point did it become acceptable to pretend you don't notice your kid is misbehaving BADLY?

While enjoying a board game with my significant other's family I was assualted no less than 10 times by a pre-schooler while Mommy ignored the spaztastic display. She trampled. She stomped. She climbed over adults to get to mom. She head-butted a guest and cackled as she ran away. She bounced on the furniture. She stole cards from the game. She nearly squeezed the life out of her little sister. What did mom do? NOTHING. I was flabbergasted! Since I was at his family's I knew I was in tricky territory. I started to nicely (through gritted teeth) correct her hoping mom would catch on. After I pointed out to the little darling that if she continued to bounce on the couch she was at risk of face-planting on the marble coffee table I think my beau started to sense my annoyance and suggested we call it an evening.

Seriously, what is the matter with people?

Good Lord, you are a total douche.

Listen up homeboy. You're a grown-ass man. You are not Lance Armstrong. You have no business wearing spandex. For any reason. You have no business riding a bike in the middle of the day in said spandex. And by the way, that $50 BMX bike you're riding, which you probably stole from your kid or a neighbor, does not a biking enthusiast make. You will never get anywhere near the Tour De France, homie, but you're Number 1 on the Tour De Douche. Do the world a favor, get a job. Get a life. And for the love of Pete, stop adjusting your tiny package while wearing those goddamned biking shorts. No one needs to see that shit.

Sincerely,

The Bitch Who Nearly Ran Your Ass Down

Shut your mouth you Snatchy Snatch

I was outside on a break today and this stupid woman in one of those stupid motorized carts rolls by me. She's easily as big as the entire back seat of a bus and I'm sure she's using the cart because she cant walk her ass through the store.

So there I am, trying not to stare, in fact I turned my back to her completely so that I could enjoy the rest of my cigarette AND THEN I heard her voice.....

Me: *Cough*

Snatchy Snatch : Sounds like you could use another smoke

Me: Looks like you could use another donut

Usually I only say those things in my head, but something came loose this time and it just shot out of my mouth. I'm really glad I was all bundled up since I do have to work here. There is no way she'd recognize me.

Hopeless Effing Snowflake

Dear Hopeless Effing Snowflake~
You really balled this one up, didn't you? Well I hope that your cunt beast of a mother makes some good choices for you and will be there to take care of you until your death. Oh WAIT! She's going to die before you! Wow! Then what the fuck are you going to do? Maybe rub those brain cells together and make a decision for yourself? That would have been a good idea 6 fucking months ago. But NO. You had to let her make all your choices for you and now you are ruining lives. Like your husbands, for example. Remember him? The one who paid for the roof over your head and everything else you wanted or needed over the past 5 years while you stayed home? He's the one you ignored while watching TV and talking with your friends on the phone. He's the one who wanted a little of your time and attention and to be able to feed his own son some of the fucking food HE paid for. He's the one who called me for hours on end needing someone to TALK to him so he could remember what human kindness was like. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You've had friends who have been abused and neglected and abandoned! Have you learned NOTHING??
I'll cut right to the chase, you need to pull your head out of your fucking ass and stop listening to your mother and start thinking for yourself. You and her have done some serious damage that may never be reparable, but you had better fucking start trying to fix it right now, sister.
You don't even KNOW how good you had it. I hope it was worth it.
Sincerely,
The Anti Snowflake

Fuck you Asshole.

Do your job. It's not that hard. You only work an hour a fucking day. How hard is it to schedule a fucking meeting and turn in some paperwork on time? Apparently, pretty damn hard. And thanks. It's not like I need that couple grand. My kids didn't want anything nice for Christmas anyway, and neither did my husband. I bet your pig of a wife won't go without, though, will she? Fuck you if you ever need a favor buddy. I'm done being your bitch.


Wishing you a pain-filled holiday season,

The bitch who'll charge Christmas

You’re a total douche…

Hey you, the stringy haired moron with the mop. You're a tool. I was just trying to enjoy a nice cup of overpriced coffee. It was going great until your dumb ass showed up. I asked you if I needed to move. This was your opportunity to warn me that you were about to assault my system with noxious chemicals. Instead, you said, "no". Whore.

Here's a tip - when you have a customer 2 feet away, don't flood the floor with bleach, you retard. It was nowhere near closing time. Could this project not have waited? Could you have taken 10 seconds out of your oh-so-busy schedule to warn me? I know you were probably really feeling overwhelmed by your idle chit-chat with the guy in the "legalize pot" t-shirt AND mopping. It's a lot to ask from a stoner, I know.

Here's a little tidbit to keep in mind you coont – some people, like me get headaches from harsh chemicals like bleach. By the time I realized that's what you were spraying on the floor, it was too late, the migraine had begun. When I said, "Is that bleach?" and you said, "Yes" and then I said, "Oh, that explains my wicked headache"….this was your opportunity to redeem yourself. You blew it big time. I'll be contacting the corporate offices tomorrow to lodge a formal complaint. I'll be sure to let them know about you.

I bet it hurts to be that stupid. Perhaps this is why, in 25 years, you'll still be mopping the floor for a living.

Knock it off, you sneaky little fuck.

I know you're trying to cheat. Just stop now before you embarrass yourself and force me to call you out in front of all your friends. You are not smart enough to pull it off you little puke. Don't even try.

Signed,

The bitch who controls your grade

Knock It Off - Stalker!

Every day it's the same routine over and over. "Whatcha doin' for lunch?" "I looked for you all over and couldn't find you!" "Do you have plans tonight?" "What are you doing?"

I'm busy. I'm working. Even if I wasn't, I don't want to talk to you. You couldn't find me because I planned it that way. When I take a break - I don't want to listen to your laundry list of complaints about your "evil" family. I'm on break. Breaks are supposed to be relaxing, not stressful. You stress me out you douche! Catch a clue!

FYI - Tomorrow, I'm busy. I'm busy the day after that too. And the next day. And the day after that. I'm all tied up at lunch. I don't have time to chat. Did I mention I'm busy?

Attention Geriatric Meth-Addicted Whore

Fuck you. Fuck your life. Fuck that little shit you drag around behind you who can't seem to keep his hands to himself. He's lucky I only grabbed his hood. If I ever see him even look in my kid's direction again, I'll rip his face off and feed it to you. And you better believe that if that ward of the state-to-be lays another finger on my kid, he will pull back a nub, because I'll have ripped his goddamned arm off and beaten him senseless with it. I realize you failed at parenting with his mother, but now you've got a chance to do it up right. Do your fucking job and teach that future felon some manners. It'll make his stint in the pen easier if he says please and thank you while he's getting ass-raped.

Sincerely,


The bitch who nearly stomped your ass at dinner

Fuck You Sallie

That's right, I'm talking to YOU Sallie Mae Asshole. I've had my student loans with you for four years now, and you STILL feel that every so often you need to ignore my user ID and/or password? Fuck you.

Every single month, I pay my bill. Every other month, I have to go through some elaborate tap-dance trying to log into your stinking site. WHY?

Are you telling me you DON'T want me to pay my bill? Because I'd be more than happy to just stop it, right here, right now. Like half the people I know who don't pay off their student loans. Seems like you'd be happy to have someone who DOES and would stop treating me like shit.

Bitch.

Strung Out Stripper Movement

Every time I turn around I'm inundated with stories about the young Hollywood brats. Mary Kate, Ashley, Nicole, Lindsay, Britney, Paris and now Amy Winehouse. Why are these pieces of crap so damned popular? You know they haven't chewed actual food in 3 years, they're freaking retarded and incapable of speaking (much less writing) in complete sentences. To top it off, their clothes are so trashy even Goodwill wouldn't take them.

Hollywood used to be about elegance and glamour...what happened? Not to say it hasn't always had it's fair share of real life drama, but crikey, it's out of control now! Today's barrage of crap included a video of Amy W. getting an award. She was so freaking stoned she barely made her way to the stage. Then she gave a stunning speech in acceptance of her People's Choice award, "Thanks". WOW. I'm surprised she could stay vertical at all.

2 years ago Amy was a bright young star - a normal-sized person, with a pretty face and an incredible voice. Today, she's a cracked out twig of an excuse for a person who looks like shit and sounds like shit. What happened? Do they suck your brains out the minute you sign a deal? Replace the brains with meth and heroin? "Just to slim you up a bit". Satan would be kinder. What pisses me off the most...these are the pathetic excuse for role models our young girls have. Who started the strung out stripper movement? They should have their asses flogged!

Juvenile Delinquents

Dear Future Guests of the State:

Do you think I am afraid of you?

You are a 14 year old douchebag who thinks its funny to lean on my car while it is parked in the street and not move when I go out to leave for work.

Don't you understand who you are dealing with? I will tear your arm off and beat you to death with the wet end. Clearly, young gentlemen, you do not understand the rage that can be contained within the diminutive form of a single, childless woman in her mid-thirties who is currently experiencing some hormonal "issues."

Don't you understand that if you fuck with me, there is a good likliehood that I will simply tear your throat out with my teeth?

And the look you gave me when I drove away and smacked your moronic head with the rearview mirror because you are TOO STUPID TO STEP AWAY YOU FUCKING DOUCHE only served to fertilize my rage and that look, combined with the hormones already running through my blood stream, immediately gave me the ability to incinerate your stupid form with merely a glance.

But I won't do that. Instead, I will stand on my porch and try and muffle my hysterical giggles as the cops tackle you in my yard (again) because they come when I call.

Profiling is a bitch.

Enjoy that state-sponsored vacation.

Sincerely,

The Evil Bitch Who Never Gives Out Halloween Candy and Doesn't Like Assholes on Her Lawn

I hate you soooooo much

I seriously hate you.

It's 8am and I really can't deal with this shit.
As if I know what the "standard output tray" is. Do you really think I know that?
And when I hit the "show me" button the graphic is so tiny I can't tell which of your parts it wants me to look at.

Just print my fucking rates already.

Fine, I'll turn you off and then back on.

You stupid mother fucker. Now you want me to "check my media". Seriously? What is that!!! How am I supposed to know what you want me to do. You suck balls.

I'm going to the break room to look for a hammer. You better start printing my requests you stupid fucking printer!!!!

Thank You,
The Office Bitch

Didn't I tell you...

yesterday and every day prior to that, in a 100 different ways, that I don't want to dine with you? So, why is it that you came 'round at 10 am to ask me again, "Whatcha doing for lunch?"

Get a clue, douche!

Dear Mother Fucker

I am sorry that your mother sucked at life and failed to teach you manners or how to be a considerate human being. But you're a big boy now and are capable of learning on your own. Pull your head out of your ass, quit being a dick, and don't ever touch my alarm clock again, lest you pull back a nub after moving that switch. An apology wouldn't hurt things either.
Sincerely,

The bitch who carries your nuts around in her purse